Well, I've been delaying this one long enough. As a preface, this really is really directed at only one person
{if that person is reading this, they know who they are}, so everyone else can feel free to skip over this one. I guess since I am making this public and universally available on the internet for everyone and their mom to read, I probably can't filter anyone out. Oh well, for whatever reason I kind of want it to be open.
Warning: this will probably take an odd (won't be often, I promise) turn for the serious and generally un-epic/ un-manly. Sorry in advance, but if the world knew how much of an idiot I was to merit me writing this, you would understand. Anyway, on with the show...
Dear anonymous:I'm sure I've already done enough damage
{even as early as February - probably earlier} to ruin our friendship 8+ times over, and my hope is that this doesn't add to that grocery list of my faults I keep racking up and exposing. I know I might have said the words before, but I honestly can't shake the need to deliberately and almost embarrassingly, continually apologize and hope for amends. Maybe {likely} you're way past it and have made room for other concerns, but I'll continue either way. Apology first, explanation second.
So I've had more than a few
weeks months to process, and I've come to the conclusion that I've seen two of the greatest extremes I can imagine. On the one hand, there was all the craziness I did and the incredible rudeness and inconsideration. On the other, I witnessed a display of patience, faithfulness, and friendship that I know could have only been from God. You may have been right when you said no one else would be willing to do that. Seriously, beyond anything else, my worst regret for the outcome of things is that I made the friend that I met out of nowhere disappear seemingly just as fast. Since your circumstances are different now than a couple months ago, that's where I'll leave the mentioning of my regrets. I'm sorry for each of those days I acted like friendship was invincible and something to be recovered at my own convenience.
As far as explanations go, I'll say what I can here, and if you do ever read this and for whatever reason want the whole of the story, I don't think I have any more reservations about filling you in. I will say that from the beginning, every problem I created came from a central character issue or two that I was/am still working on and praying about. Anything else I ever said or implied was probably a cover-up or circumvention of the real deal.
I have to say, though, that while I have changed since then {not perfect by any means, but perspective is better}, so have you and your circumstances; both, I'm sure, for the better. That said, I won't make the same mistake twice, and hopefully you know what I'm talking about. So this is in no way any initiative to create confusion or anything remotely close. In fact, if it did, I'm sorry, and you can ignore everything said. I'd rather you be silent and clear than talking in confusion or anxiety. I guess my only hope from this is that you understand my position of sincerity
{maybe that's my reason for making this public as well}, and to let the world know how fortunate they would be to have you, or a clone of you, as their friend, even though you're anonymous :-)
Well, another reason could be that in doing this I may be able to go a day or two without feeling the urgent need to repent for my foolishness. A little selfish, I know, but true.If you made it this far, thanks. If you want, you can hit me up by email or whatever and say anything you want, good or bad. But like I mentioned a little while ago, either way, I'll try to keep you in prayer. Take care.